Your self-image began to take shape even before you left the cradle and was pretty well established by the time you reached the age of 8.By then, on average, you had already received over 70,000 negative dictates: ‘Don’t do that’, ‘No you can’t’, ‘Who do you think you are?’ ‘You’ll never make anything of yourself,’ and so on. Most of these were run of the mill reprimands to which adults attach little importance; but they affect a child deeply and the accumulated effect can be devastating. The truth is, children simply do not have the ability to distinguish between fair and unfair criticism, or make allowances if the adults in their lives have had a hard day .When you pleased your parents, or other adult authority figures, they rewarded you: they gave you attention and approval. When you displeased them, they showed their disapproval by withdrawing attention or privileges or, in some cases, punishing you physically. The means by which a person moulds the behaviour of another using a combination of reward and punishment is termed conditioning. You experienced plenty of it as a child, much of it negative. Very few young people reach adulthood without having their confidence dented in some way. Once you understand your conditioning you can unravel the knots, dispense with the ropes that tied you down and leave them behind forever. “Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. Oscar Wilde ”
‘the Boy’s Got To Learn To Be A Man’
Sir John Harvey Jones is the very model of a successful businessman. Now in his mid 80s, the former Chairman of ICI (once Britain’s largest company) looks back on a brilliant career as a Royal Navy Officer, highly respected entrepreneur, and lately writer and broadcaster. Yet his early years were hardly auspicious and as a boy he didn’t see his father for 20 years!
Born in India, he was sent away to boarding school at the age of 6. ‘I was bullied mercilessly,’ he recalls. ‘The bullying was both physical and verbal, and always with numbers, never one-on-one. It resulted in my trying to slash my wrists in the toilet with a blunt penknife.’
‘Everybody knew I was dreadfully unhappy. I’d written to my parents and told them I was desperate, but I figure my father thought the boy’s got to learn to be a man and stand up for himself.’
At 12, he left the school to go to Naval College, which he describes as ‘Pretty draconian. The discipline was horrendous.’
One of the best days of his life was seeing his old school bulldozed to the ground prior to redevelopment. Like many successful people who suffered abuse in childhood, it’s not that he has forgotten what happened – the memories are crystal clear. It’s that he simply decided not to let it hold him back.