In his best-selling book, The Celestine Prophecy, James Redfield suggests that adults go about attracting the love, recognition, approval and support they need according to the kind of interactions they had with their parents as children. We learned how to attract attention from them, and continued to play these dramas over and over again, usually subconsciously, until they became habitual. Unless we become aware of them and make a conscious effort to change, they stay with us for life. Redfield suggests that these control dramas come in four types. Most of us have a favoured style, and adopt others from time to time according to circumstances: Intimidator Interrogator Aloof Poor me Understanding control dramas is extremely helpful. Once you have decided into which group you, your parents/guardians, siblings and anyone else who had a profound impact on your childhood fit most comfortably, you can use these insights to develop greater understanding of your childhood conditioning, and yourself as you are now. “No matter what kind of journey we make of life,where we started out will always be part of us. But only part. Sir Alex Ferguson ”
‘i Can’t But I Have To’
One of the most damaging patterns of negative conditioning arises when children are continually told or given the impression by intimidator or interrogator adults that they’re no good, they’ll never make anything of themselves. ‘You do that? Don’t make me laugh!’
Children subjected to this kind of talk grow up with no confidence and often terrified of failure.
It’s even worse if they are victims of conditional love – when it is made clear, explicitly or implicitly, that they will only be loved if they meet the adults’ expectations: ‘Do this – or else!’ This often produces an obsession with what other people think and winning their approval.
Worst of all is the double negative self-talk which torments an individual who, because of their conditioning, feels driven to perform but is too afraid to try: ‘I can’t but I have to’ is a common aloof or poor me pattern which probably accounts for most of the failure these unfortunates experience as adults.