Assertive people find it easy to say no when they mean no. They don’t worry about being seen in a bad light. They know that just because they’ve been asked doesn’t mean they’re under any obligation. Passive people, on the other hand, usually find it hard to refuse.
Say you’re asked a favour. It’s inconvenient. You’d like to say no.
Passive behaviour: Saying, ‘yes’ while thinking, ‘What a nuisance. Oh well!’ or making a string of half-hearted excuses in a feeble attempt to avoid causing offence.
Aggressive behaviour: A blunt response, probably while thinking, ‘Why the … should I?’
Assertive behaviour: A warm, friendly smile, while saying, ‘No, I’m sorry it’s not convenient. I’ve made other arrangements’.
In the long run saying yes when you don’t mean it only makes things worse for yourself. It puts you at greater risk of stress and lowers your confidence and self-respect.
“If we want to feel truly confident, we must break the habit of trying to please all people, all of the time Gael Lindenfield”
“The important thing is not what they think of me; it is what I think of them. Queen Victoria ”
People lacking in confidence are often tempted to duck and weave when others try to talk them round to their point of view.
Paul loves expressing an opinion but feels anxious if anyone disagrees with him, so he hedges his bets as much as possible by making sure his ideas will be acceptable to the person to whom he’s talking at any time.
Bert was once sold a set of encyclopaedias at the door because he didn’t want to upset the salesman. Jennifer has a wardrobe full of clothes she has never worn because she is too timid to resist the attentions of persuasive shop assistants.
John, aged 49, spends Sunday afternoons at his mother’s, despite his children’s protestations, because she expects it and he is too timid to tell her that some weeks he would rather make other arrangements.
And you? Do you find it hard to say no? Do you skirt round the issue rather than facing up to things?